[Disclaimer: The following is based off of an assessment of all my relationships]
So you’re back in the singles club huh? Yeah me too.
I honestly didn’t see it coming this time. I thought love would conquer all, but here we are again.
Please miss me with the:
- “Well now you can focus on yourself”
- “Someone else will come along”
- “Maybe you just need to be single for a while”
- “At least you have your dog” (yeah someone said that too me lol)
- “You have to move on”
Remove these statements from your memory okay?! (Lol)
They are not helpful.
When you shared a whole life with someone (whew, that stings just to say it), when you have given your all into a relationship and you’re not the one who wanted the break up…you want a more gentle approach and response.
Advice for friends/family
Here are some responses you can say when someone you care about tells you they’re going through a breakup:
- “I’m so sorry you’re going through this”
- “I’m sending some money for you to get dinner, what’s your CashApp?”
- “How are you really feeling?”
- “Did you eat today?”
- “Allow yourself to feel however you want to feel, no rush. Take one moment at a time”
Honestly just let them vent and offer perspective only if it’s warranted-make sound judgement.
For my singles
I’m sorry if you’re going through a breakup that you didn’t want to happen. It’s tough. Even if it’s what’s best you can still have those days where you reminisce and feel sad; especially with the holidays coming up. I know for me I think about the plans we had and just missing what once was at times: the “we” is now a “you”.
I am by no means the expert, but I have some advice:
- Don’t feel obligated to tell people what happened.
People are people, so some will ask. Feel free to keep it short and generic. Of course, share with those you trust if you want too.
2. After you’ve taken some time, you’ve cried, you grieved, got frustrated, make sure you sit and honestly reflect.
The reason why you take the time is so that you can be emotionally stable and logically clear. When you try to reflect immediately after the breakup, you may not accurately be able to get a clear understanding. Make sure to review not only the good times, but times of conflict as well. Sometimes we only review the good and do not work through how we could have handled things differently or the root cause of the conflict itself.
- Understand love isn’t enough.
That one is hard for me because I’m a hopeless romantic. I thought that if I loved this man and he loved me everything else would work itself out, but that’s not the case. Are you both emotionally available? Are you both financially stable? Are you compatible in different areas? All questions you have to answer.
- Know that although it may be painful it is the right thing.
Why? Because you don’t want someone to be with you who doesn’t want to be with you, for whatever reason. Whether they are getting themselves together, whether they found somebody else, whether they just wanna be alone, if they do not desire to be with you, you do not need to be with them. You deserve someone who gets excited to be around you and happy to be in a relationship with you.
5. Whether you’ve been with this person for six months, two years, five years, however much time it takes for you to come to terms with the break up, you have to detach yourself from that person for a while.
Make sure you take adequate time before you get into another relationship (and that time frame is based solely on you). In the meantime, I found that saying yes to any and every engagement has been rewarding. Instead of me sitting at home being sad or in my head, I have gone out with friends to events I probably would’ve never went to, taking classes I didn’t know existed, and challenging myself to be a part of organizations that could be beneficial all in the name of broken love.
There’s more I could say, but I’ll leave you with this, you deserve real love. For me real love is something that you don’t have to try to convince someone to be in with you; they will want to fight for you and with you. You won’t have to guess if this is where they want to be, their actions and words will show.
So cheer up love, it’ll be OK. How do I know? About a month ago I couldn’t write anything like this without crying and I wrote this without shedding a tear. Cold-hearted? Does that mean I never get sad? No, it’s called healing. It’s painful but necessary.
You can’t fight for a relationship by yourself.
I have no ill will or bad thoughts towards anyone. Once you realize your worth, it’s a perspective change for sure.
I hope we get out of this club one day because it seems to be getting a little crowded.
Until then, keep your head up.
Love you loves